and cool kids, they belong together.

It was so much easier
when nobody liked me.
It was just me and my violin.
And my voice.
I was so focused and it never mattered what was important to anyone else.

It was so much easier
when I disliked everyone.
It was still just me and my violin.
And my voice; add a piano.
I was still so focused and it never mattered what was important to anyone else.

It is so much harder
now.
It is harder to remain focused.
It is hard to know when to compromise.
When 11:11 comes around, I just want to make a wish, go home and go to sleep.
I wish I wanted to party every night.
I wish I wanted to stay at the party and not worry about getting home.
But home doesn't have to be my house.
Home is just a comfortable state.
And I'm finding more and more of those.

I am stealing the title of Goth Queen from Manzi.
That is all.

My heart is swelling so infinitely. I am certain that it is about to burst right out of my chest.

( pictures from now. )


And that's all just from this past week. No use trying to update for the months that have gone by.
What made me think I had the right to try to end this?
And why would I want to be anywhere but here, honestly...

My overall quality of life has upped itself about 86% in the past week.
We can all thank Brandon for that.
Every single thing I see reminds me of him, and I don't cry so hard about that anymore.
Talking to him makes me able to do everything again. I can breathe, I can play music, I can stay at home by myself without crying. I was filling all my time with people so I would never have to be alone in our room, but now it's okay.
It's okay.
Nothing else has improved, I'm constantly left out, I may never have a real best friend, few of my friends actually follow through with their word, but it doesn't matter. I can make myself happy now.



...

When: Saturday Nov 25, 2006
at 7:00 PM
Where: 21 Grand
416 25th St.
Oakland, CA 94612
Description:
Live Music featuring
MOMO ISHIGURO
SIMBA!!!!!
POCKETS
ASTEROID B-612
CRANK UP YOUR HEARING AID
$5-8 @ Door
DOORS AT 7
SHOW AT 8

You should come =]

(I am Simba)

Being mugged. Especially when it doesn't make sense. I was in a nice neighbourhood (Richmond district). It wasn't too late (11:45ish).
I was hanging out with my friend Kyle around the tenderloin and then we walked and caught the Geary bus and he got off at Masonic, I got off at Arguello. I walked down Geary to 2nd Avenue...felt like a car was following me around California Street. Kind of freaked me out, so I got out my pepper spray even though I was only a block from my aunt's house.
As I grew nearer and nearer to my aunt's, I started to feel sicker and sicker. Just had this feeling someone was following me, though I couldn't hear them or see a shadow. Weird, because I usually think that shit is bullshit. So that's exactly what I told myself when I was so scared.
I walked up onto the step thing at my aunt's, decided not to break in (which is my normal mode of entrance) because I figured if I did, he'd see me and then he could follow me inside by breaking in how I did. Naturally, the second I stall to get my key, a man appears, looks me right in the eyes, grabs my purse, discovers that it is messenger-bag style, so pulls me by my purse onto the sidewalk, where he spins me by it to the ground, it gets stuck around my neck, he covers my mouth (I'm screaming), and pulls it away and starts running. Jack opens the apartment building doors, lets me in, calls the cops immediately, they come within a few minutes, I describe the man, and it turns out three other people were mugged in the richmond by him that night. Black man with a dark sweater with white writing...etc.

Fucking scary.

He only took one of my two bags. The bag he didn't take had grey's laptop in it.
The bag he did take had my passport, my camera, my ipod, my scheduling book, etc. Not to mention wallet.
Plus all the silly putty, tape, ibuprofen, scissors, bandaids, hand sanitizer...everything I deem necessary for daily use.



blahblahblah




pee-ess: naturally, my purse had all my keys in it too. Including the keys to my aunt's apartment, and he obviously knows the location of that. So he can get in now if he tries.
Plus I have to make new copies of my house key, laundry room key, storage room key, get a new bike lock...ughhh

I'm happy that Steve is coming home.
I'm sad that things with Will didn't work out better.
I'm happy that I'm friends with Khris. She's so amazing.
I'm happy that Jon and I are becoming good friends...I've always admired him.
I'm sad that Brandon won't speak to me.
I'm sad that things with boys get so dramatic.
I'm happy that I rode my bike today -- I miss it when I'm in SF.
I'm happy that I got to go hiking in the rain last week.
I'm happy that I saw the Nick Drake documentary.
It's okay that it made me uncontrollably sad.

Life is beautiful no matter what.
Don't even tell me I'm being cheesy.
It's important to remember that.


(I took a few pictures today)

Today:
Sewing, playing music, drinking grapefruit soda.

Tonight:
Nick Drake documentary at the Red Vic.

You should come(if you love Nick Drake). It's pretty hard to find this documentary, as it hasn't been released on DVD or anything. I'm going at 7:15. And I'm SO EXCITED!



Edit/PS:
I just looked at the play count on Nick Drake on my computer. Those of you who really know me know that I'm rarely at my home in Santa Rosa, and even more rarely do I listen to music on my desktop computer in Santa Rosa.
And I reset the play count on all itunes songs on January 1st.

Guess how many songs River Man has.
Guess how many songs Way To Blue has.
140, 137 respectively.

haha I love Nick Drake!

I've been having so much fun!
Coat check is awesome. Khris is awesome. Jake is awesome. Grey is awesome. Rick is awesome. Zoe is awesome. Everyone. People are so fabulous. The quality of my life has improved so much in the past month or two. I'm having so much fun with everyone.

( a few halloween photos )

the rest can be found here.