and cool kids, they belong together.

It was so much easier
when nobody liked me.
It was just me and my violin.
And my voice.
I was so focused and it never mattered what was important to anyone else.

It was so much easier
when I disliked everyone.
It was still just me and my violin.
And my voice; add a piano.
I was still so focused and it never mattered what was important to anyone else.

It is so much harder
now.
It is harder to remain focused.
It is hard to know when to compromise.
When 11:11 comes around, I just want to make a wish, go home and go to sleep.
I wish I wanted to party every night.
I wish I wanted to stay at the party and not worry about getting home.
But home doesn't have to be my house.
Home is just a comfortable state.
And I'm finding more and more of those.

I am stealing the title of Goth Queen from Manzi.
That is all.

My heart is swelling so infinitely. I am certain that it is about to burst right out of my chest.

( pictures from now. )


And that's all just from this past week. No use trying to update for the months that have gone by.
What made me think I had the right to try to end this?
And why would I want to be anywhere but here, honestly...

My overall quality of life has upped itself about 86% in the past week.
We can all thank Brandon for that.
Every single thing I see reminds me of him, and I don't cry so hard about that anymore.
Talking to him makes me able to do everything again. I can breathe, I can play music, I can stay at home by myself without crying. I was filling all my time with people so I would never have to be alone in our room, but now it's okay.
It's okay.
Nothing else has improved, I'm constantly left out, I may never have a real best friend, few of my friends actually follow through with their word, but it doesn't matter. I can make myself happy now.



...

When: Saturday Nov 25, 2006
at 7:00 PM
Where: 21 Grand
416 25th St.
Oakland, CA 94612
Description:
Live Music featuring
MOMO ISHIGURO
SIMBA!!!!!
POCKETS
ASTEROID B-612
CRANK UP YOUR HEARING AID
$5-8 @ Door
DOORS AT 7
SHOW AT 8

You should come =]

(I am Simba)

Being mugged. Especially when it doesn't make sense. I was in a nice neighbourhood (Richmond district). It wasn't too late (11:45ish).
I was hanging out with my friend Kyle around the tenderloin and then we walked and caught the Geary bus and he got off at Masonic, I got off at Arguello. I walked down Geary to 2nd Avenue...felt like a car was following me around California Street. Kind of freaked me out, so I got out my pepper spray even though I was only a block from my aunt's house.
As I grew nearer and nearer to my aunt's, I started to feel sicker and sicker. Just had this feeling someone was following me, though I couldn't hear them or see a shadow. Weird, because I usually think that shit is bullshit. So that's exactly what I told myself when I was so scared.
I walked up onto the step thing at my aunt's, decided not to break in (which is my normal mode of entrance) because I figured if I did, he'd see me and then he could follow me inside by breaking in how I did. Naturally, the second I stall to get my key, a man appears, looks me right in the eyes, grabs my purse, discovers that it is messenger-bag style, so pulls me by my purse onto the sidewalk, where he spins me by it to the ground, it gets stuck around my neck, he covers my mouth (I'm screaming), and pulls it away and starts running. Jack opens the apartment building doors, lets me in, calls the cops immediately, they come within a few minutes, I describe the man, and it turns out three other people were mugged in the richmond by him that night. Black man with a dark sweater with white writing...etc.

Fucking scary.

He only took one of my two bags. The bag he didn't take had grey's laptop in it.
The bag he did take had my passport, my camera, my ipod, my scheduling book, etc. Not to mention wallet.
Plus all the silly putty, tape, ibuprofen, scissors, bandaids, hand sanitizer...everything I deem necessary for daily use.



blahblahblah




pee-ess: naturally, my purse had all my keys in it too. Including the keys to my aunt's apartment, and he obviously knows the location of that. So he can get in now if he tries.
Plus I have to make new copies of my house key, laundry room key, storage room key, get a new bike lock...ughhh

I'm happy that Steve is coming home.
I'm sad that things with Will didn't work out better.
I'm happy that I'm friends with Khris. She's so amazing.
I'm happy that Jon and I are becoming good friends...I've always admired him.
I'm sad that Brandon won't speak to me.
I'm sad that things with boys get so dramatic.
I'm happy that I rode my bike today -- I miss it when I'm in SF.
I'm happy that I got to go hiking in the rain last week.
I'm happy that I saw the Nick Drake documentary.
It's okay that it made me uncontrollably sad.

Life is beautiful no matter what.
Don't even tell me I'm being cheesy.
It's important to remember that.


(I took a few pictures today)

Today:
Sewing, playing music, drinking grapefruit soda.

Tonight:
Nick Drake documentary at the Red Vic.

You should come(if you love Nick Drake). It's pretty hard to find this documentary, as it hasn't been released on DVD or anything. I'm going at 7:15. And I'm SO EXCITED!



Edit/PS:
I just looked at the play count on Nick Drake on my computer. Those of you who really know me know that I'm rarely at my home in Santa Rosa, and even more rarely do I listen to music on my desktop computer in Santa Rosa.
And I reset the play count on all itunes songs on January 1st.

Guess how many songs River Man has.
Guess how many songs Way To Blue has.
140, 137 respectively.

haha I love Nick Drake!

I've been having so much fun!
Coat check is awesome. Khris is awesome. Jake is awesome. Grey is awesome. Rick is awesome. Zoe is awesome. Everyone. People are so fabulous. The quality of my life has improved so much in the past month or two. I'm having so much fun with everyone.

( a few halloween photos )

the rest can be found here.

This is pretty much my favourite thing ever. And I thought I would share that with you all.
It is also my desktop picture.

Yesterday, upon arriving in the city, I went to my aunt's house, where I often stay.
When I got to my aunt's house, I noticed there was a cop car stalling outside.
I start to think that I'm totally screwed -- since I always just get into the house by breaking in.
I try to do it half-assed, so it's less conspicuous -- I try this THREE times before deciding to just do it right. By this point, I'm sure it was incredibly obvious.
Luckily, the cop didn't do anything.

But it's funny to me that I had the key in my bag the whole time, and I always have a key -- it's just easier to break in, and it never occured to me to get out the key........

deleted because I didn't really like this rant about my job.




p.s. I got caught three times reading Moxie's zine And Together We'll Face The World! #2 today at work. Though the second two times, I didn't bother to try and hide it.
Read it. Actually, read #1 first, probably. But schizophrenia from #2 is amazing. All of it is.

At work, Lisa (one of the two owners of the spa) likes for me to sweep six times a day. This includes one dry sweeping and one mopping. So it's more like 12 times.

Anyway, I find this rather amusing. The only thing I accomplish by doing this is successfully wasting swiffers.

I've taken to regularly eating biscotti, nature valley bars, and other crumbly foods at my desk so that when round 6 comes around, there's actually something to sweep.

I have also become a professional waster of disposable toilet-scrubbing brushes! I can even pwn Perry Austin at scrubbing toilets, just ask him. He knows, and he already told all his friends.




When Julie (our Massage Therapist) works, everything is different. She's such a character. She's a gorgeous, 6 foot tall woman. One hell of a woman she is. I hope to take her portrait someday. I want that camera. Anyway, I just think she's great. She goes to shows in the city with her husband and her kids. If I had to guess at her age, I'd say 35. Today I asked her how old she is, and it turns out she's 45. I can only dream of looking as great as her when I'm 45.

Julie's clients are far more interesting than anyone else's. All it takes is some simple logic to figure this out (she's a Massage Therapist, the other employees are Estheticians).

One of her regular clients is a disgusting, creepy old man, who continually asks her to massage his groin. His wife is a regular client of Julie's as well. Julie firmly says no, but he continues to tell her that one day she'll be more comfortable with him. He also went on and on about how passionate he is about Scorpio women. How did he know Julie was a Scorpio? She said that she felt like she was in some 70's movie.

Her most interesting regular client, however, is the viking man. Jonas Abraham. I want to know this guy. I've heard about him, but he's never come in on a day I was working. Until today!
I saw his name in the book and I was thrilled. Now I would finally meet this viking man with the long, blonde hair, blue eyes, goatee, most perfect body of all time, and the creepiest tatoos in the world (this is the description I have been given).
Well, the second Jonas walked in, I knew it was him. Oh my God. I stumbled over my words and told him I'd let Julie know he was here. I camly walked back and then told Julie, at which point I could not control my smile. Most of you probably know the smile I'm talking about. That smile because I can't do anything else. Just let a stupid grin creep across my face. Anyway, I'm so completely stricken and overwhelmed by this guy's presence that on my way back to the front desk I run into a wall. My shoulder still hurts. Yes, I'll be alright, thanks for asking though.



This is a weird place to end the post, but I suddenly have nothing more to say. Goodbye!

My world is changing pretty drastically, but that's okay -- I love it.
These past few days, I've felt some intense pain, and some incredible happiness. I really love that. It's so much better than the dull but constant pain that I've been feeling for the past month or so.
I now feel like I have Brandon back. I don't feel like I've really lost anything. I feel like I have the person I love back. Expectations ruined our relationship, and now that we're free, we seem to magically have everything that we love about each other back. This is completely beautiful to me. He's free now, he's off in Portland with Alexi and Richard, and I'm not calling him every 5 minutes to see exactly what he's doing, and he's not asking me who just called me. I'm not looking through his call log, he's not looking through my text messages. I'll accept and respect whatever he does, so long as it makes him happy. That's what I want. I want him to be happy, and I want me to be happy.
...speaking of me. I felt that I had lost so much of me. But I'm building that back up. It's coming back faster than I imagined it could. And now I don't feel empty. I just want to run up to all of my friends that have been hurt by me and Brandon and say "HEY! I'm here! I'm back! It's really me this time!" And have them believe me. Because it's true.
I didn't really allow Brandon to do his own thing, and he didn't really allow me to do mine. So now that's different. I see my own friends. I can do whatever I want now. I'm free.
I don't think I really need to say anything more. I love Brandon, that's not changing. He loves me. We're best friends, and so much more.





...speaking of being free. Now I'm finally ready to shave my head. Too bad I shocked my mum too badly last night with the news of the new tattoo on its way. Otherwise I'd get it shaved at the salon next door to my work during my lunch break. But I don't think it's fair to do that to my mum.
Which makes me think about how much I really need to live on my own. I need to move out and deal with my life in my own way. I want to learn to be as independent as possible. And I want every bit of freedom I can have.


SF GIANTS TONIGHT! HERE I COME!

I can't believe she's gone.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and tell her.
Even just how much I cared about her, how much I already miss her beautiful and contagious smile...
I don't even know what to say. I just wish things were so very different.

precious lord, take my hand.
lead me on, let me stand
I am tired, I am weak.
I am worn
through the storm, through the night
lead me on to the light
take my hand, lord and lead me home.
when my way grows drear
precious lord, linger near
when my life is almost gone
at the river, lord, I stand!
guide my feet and hold my hand.
take my hand, lord and lead me home.

I rode my bike to san francisco a week ago. It was quite the ride. Unfortunately, I did not know how to properly go about getting there, so I rode all the way to point reyes and then to san francisco, wasting tons of time and tons of energy on hills of great magnitude.
Once I got there, I got slightly lost in the presidio, and then made my way to lake street, where I met Eden. Jake had seen me riding in the presidio, so he called me and invited me to his friend's barbeque (it was labor day). Eden and I attended this event, and it was great fun. I especially enjoyed listening to someone trying to explain linux to Eden. He was so impressed. And still has no idea what it is. It's so great that I've seen Jake twice now in under a month.
After that, Eden and I drove to divisidero to meet Brandon, who was about to attend a show there. We hung out for a ridiculously short amount of time, and then went back to Eden's apartment, also for a ridiculously short amount of time, and then went to Eden's friend's apartment, and then went to their friend's apartment, and those kids were watching RENT and I was excited but then we left and went back to Eden's friend's apartment where I talked to his friends about people from Analy because that is where they went to school.
That was a beautiful sentence there, wouldn't you agree?
Anyway. I spent the night at Eden's and had a lovely time. That morning, Brandon came over and we went to the San Francisco Zoo. Quite a lot of fun.



( who doesn't like prairie dogs?! )

hello, hello!
I have a new email addy. I would always love to receive emails, and though in the past, I have not been particularly good at responding, I promise to respond. I would like to use email as it should be used. I have a strong distaste for AIM, so email is a good way to keep in contact. This is me trying to convince you all to email me. I especially love receiving emails with picture attachments.

leilaannette@gmail.com



awwe. I had no idea things could ever be so wonderful.

sorry I've been so shit at updating lately.
no excuses, just an apology.
Here's a few cuts for pictures of amazing things.

1.) The Nice Device at Cafe Du Nord. Steve is one of the most amazing people I've ever met, kindest, most intelligent, interesting, etc.
The show was 21+, but because I am "Steve's cousin" I got in, which was so great. I had a blast. And of course the nice device was great.
( a few photos )


2.) I also went and saw Preservation Hall Jazz Band.

the rest of the photos are here.




A lot of other really great and really fun stuff has happened, but I don't have the energy to post it, I'm tired!

3.) I played a really fun show tonight, RoMak and the Space Pirates surprised me, and are super fun, not to mention being the some of the most geniune and nice people I've met. Why don't Steve and RoMak live closer to me? They could be my older brothers (err, cousins? hah).

It was so nice how many people came to the show.

Goodnight livejournal.